New Year, New Me-nistry

 

Photo by Cristian Escobar on Unsplash

Happy New Year, everyone! In the blink of an eye, two and a half years have gone by since my last update - sorry these updates have been few and far in between. The hope is that by starting this blog, we'd be able to share more regular updates, rather than cramming a lot into one every so often. The blog would also enable us to share personally what's been going on in each of our respective ministry journeys. We greatly appreciate your patience and prayers as we explore where and how God is taking us on this journey.

Rebuild my church

- Jesus to St. Francis of Assisi

If my last update had been about me making the journey to my interior and discovering more about who God made me to be, the following 2.5 years had been me cultivating those roots; allowing them to grow deeper, and further building the foundations of my interior. I'm still far from the finished product, and it's still been pretty much a roller coaster entering the new year; but as much as things are uncertain, I'm certainly His. 

Over the course of these few years, a lot of my previous walls/defences have been torn down, and it feels like new, more sturdy ones have been built in its place. I feel more vulnerable and open: more dependent on God, less so on the structures I've known my entire life. I've grown so much in awareness of myself and who God made me to be as I heal and grow through psychotherapy, and also through journeying with spiritual mentors.

One of the areas that I've made progress in (and am able to articulate better) is my wound of not being enough for others. This wound affected how I served in and viewed ministry before: I used to feel I had to serve and do things so that God (and others) may love me. Now I'm learning to serve from my worth; from who God has made me to be - His beloved - rather than serve for my worth.

The journey has been (and is) tough; there's no physical role model to date (that I know) who's been through a similar journey that I can look towards and take after - as a deacon once said about us in the youth ministry: we are all "spiritual orphans". So it feels like we're having to grope around in the dark to explore and be guided by the trust that God knows what He's doing with us. I'm learning to be faithful to Him, and not be "successful", especially by human standards.

I'm also learning how to be better in my vocation as a husband and a father of 3 kids. As I grow in my healing and true identity, it's a more authentic me flowing into all areas of my life, be it personal, spiritual, family, or even ministry.

I am not called to be successful,

I am called to be faithful

- Mother Teresa

Early 2022 saw a shift in where I feel God was calling me to. As detailed in my earlier post, when I first took the leap into full-time ministry, the ministry model I was trying to emulate existed separately to the parish, and as such, I was a "free-agent" while still working with parish pastoral workers. However, as time went on, there began nudgings for me to be part of the parish structure, and eventually after discernment, I joined the existing pastoral workers in their official duties as a full-time pastoral volunteer with the blessing of the parish priest.

However, even with being a part of this structure, I still didn't feel completely at home, and I was constantly struggling to find my place within the structure of parish youth ministry. Where did I fit in? Was it in the direct ministering of youth? Was it to "manage" the youth pastoral workers? - neither really sat well with me. This was very demotivating for me, because for many years, I'd envisioned becoming a youth minister and had dreams of leading a revolution for Catholic youth in the country, only to a) burn out when first given the chance, and b) not feel totally at home when given another chance.

So I struggled with this uncertainty in my role till the end of 2022 saw a surprising development. Our parish was having elections for the parish pastoral council, and I'd only turned up to do my duty and vote. As it turned out, God had other plans: as nominations began to close, someone stood up and nominated my name. The elections ended with me having the highest number of votes.

And as if that wasn't enough of a blow, I was eventually asked to be the parish pastoral council chairman/parish leader, having had the highest number of votes.

If you want to make God laugh,

tell Him about your plans

- Woody Allen

I could never have foreseen this at all in my wildest dreams/plans for ministry life.

While certainly terrifying (partly because I'd never been part of a parish pastoral council before), there was at the same time, a deep assurance that this was what I was made for: all my wrestling, struggling, burning out, healing had led to this point. Aside from the feelings of absolute terror of the unknown, there was also a deep excitement and hope at the prospect of doing things differently, and making a real impact that way.

This led to a shift in my direction: to move the entire parish, rather than "just" the youth ministry. My goal to form disciples was still the same, just that my HOW had changed - what used to be about forming disciples within the context of youth ministry, had now become more about moving the entire parish towards this goal (and beyond).

It's now been just over a year into my new role, and things feel a bit closer to home. I'm now less involved in the "frontlines" of youth ministry, and much more in the "backend", pastoral planning for the parish. It's interesting how in my last update - before I could even have conceived of such a role - I'd mentioned I felt more called to be in the back seat more especially with my primary vocation as a husband and a father. This new role allows me to bring my pastoral experience to the parish level; to bring about a shift of the current culture - one which focuses on "doing" and "serving for worth" - to one which leads to personal relationship with God, discipleship and mission. My priorities for this year are to 1) set the parish in a clear and authentic direction, and 2) coordinate the parish to move together towards this direction holistically.

On the company front, we've also had a shift in our HOW. With our WHY being "to encourage people to discover who God made them to be", we were initially going to provide a beautiful space for prayer/reflection and eventually branch off into products that reminded users of their true identity in God. However, as we completed the first phase of the website (a beautiful space for reflecting on daily mass readings and praying the rosary), it felt like that didn't completely encompass our WHY; it didn't invite people to go deeper than just the superficial "doing" of those things. And so, we went back to the drawing board to build on the initial idea and further develop something that would allow the user to actively engage with the readings, rather than it just being a passive reading/praying.  We're working on something we're really excited about, and we'll definitely update you guys as soon as it's done!

Finances-wise, I'm still very much dependent on support from my parents and my wife. I draw some help from your financial contributions, and the parish gives me a small allowance, but the bulk of the contributions still goes to support our parish's youth pastoral worker's part-time salary, and is still far from being able to fully sustain me independently. Regardless, I'm truly blessed and grateful to still be able to do what I feel called to, and am still learning to fully trust and depend on His providence (working also through your generosity!).

So, in summary, it's certainly been a challenging few years having to wrestle with myself and unlearn core beliefs, and at the same time surrender my life to God, but I'm really grateful for the growth these experiences have brought and how He's continuing to shape me. 

Is 2024 the year that God calls me to set the world on fire? I don't know, but I sure am determined this year to be brought closer to who He made me to be.